Pulling Back So That God Can Propel Me Forward

Or: Why I am Making the Hardest Decision of my Life

Life isn't easy. From day one of our first complaint we are taught that "it will only get harder from here." Money, school, work, and love, just to name a few, are things we struggle and fight through on the good days and the bad. I fully believe that every trial I went through in my life was that so God can bring something good to it. James 1:2-3 says "2Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." I can count out every way in which God blessed me through every fire I walked through. Divorce, sickness, and everything else thrown my way all had a hand in what made me who I am. 

That being said, I do not believe that bad things are from God. I believe Hell is a real place and that there is an enemy out to get us and to challenge everything we believe in just to shake our faith. Revelations 12:9 speaks of "Satan who leads the world astray." The bible promises that there will be fire to walk through BECAUSE we believe in our Savior.  In John 16:33 Jesus says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

The past two months have put me in one of the darkest places of my heart. I have questioned my ability to teach, my calling, my choices and everything that I have done. I have been hated, bullied, cussed out and ignored. I tried everything. Consequences, rewards, bribes, secret extended recesses, introspective behavior assignments, lines, daily calls home, everything. I gave jobs, I gave privileges, and I took it all away. Administrators visited and lectured and sat in my room to no avail. The students still ran around the room, shoved desks across the floor, and screamed at the top of their lungs. I had no power to stop them.

I have cried, screamed, lost my mind over all of it, but never did I turn from God. I lost the ability to eat more than a few bites at a time or sleep more than an hour without waking. On the days I could not eat, I turned it into a fast. I worshipped through the tears I cried to and from work everyday. I checked in with God each time I woke up and begged him every night for a solution to what seemed to me to be and endless problem with no light. I felt like I was getting nowhere with anyone and failing fast. 

Then He opened a door. I explored a few old connections with principals at my old schools. I thought God needed me to finish out the semester at my school, but I was going to secure a new job before leaving. I heard back from a principal within hours. Her school has a substitute opening. So I fasted. I asked God if I was meant to move on. He told me no, stay a little longer. I found scripture after scripture about standing through the struggle. Hebrews 12 told me to persevere. Hardship is for my good. It will strengthen me. Isaiah 41 told me God was there to strengthen me and not to fear the future. Proverbs 14 told me that a path that seems right could still lead to destruction. So I asked God for a clear-cut sign. If I was to leave this job, I needed a huge push. 

The behavior got worse. I don't know if this is common, but the trend where I teach is that if you get in trouble, you give yourself full permission to stop working and cause bigger trouble. I have never experienced this before now. Grades started slipping and before I could even figure out how to inspire them to do good things and work in the classroom, report cards came out. That day I got five emails and six parent calls. I got called to the principal's office. I went home in tears yet again. I distinctly remember crumpling and begging God to get me out of there. I knew I wasn't happy. The students weren't happy, and now the administration and parents weren't happy either. 

The next day, I checked my email and had an email from the same principal asking about references so she could get the ball rolling on my substitute application. I had my clear-cut sign. I looked into the employee handbook at my school to see what the rules of resignation were. The next night I typed up my resignation and sent it out. I reconnected with my college job to help supplement the pay decrease I was going to be facing. That night I slept through the night and woke up starving the next morning. 

Yesterday, I found an inspirational quote that I think fits my situation well:

I feel that I did everything I could in my situation to try to be successful. The fact that I am now "backpedaling" into something that feels more comfortable and less hard does not feel like running away. My mom never let me quit anything as a kid so there is some guilt there, but the bible talks all the time about the rewards we get for going through trials. I truly think that I just made it to the other side of a valley and that my next mountain is just on the other side of the ridge. I will rise to the challenge.

There are a few verses in 1 Peter chapter 5 that I think fit my life very well:

Always and forever I will do these things. I will work for God's good and His glory. I will trust Him to bring me through the rough times. I will believe that even if I cannot see others suffering, they are there.